In Transition

Between work and school and work. It’s been a month since I resigned from my first job at Excel PH. Learning from public school principals while helping in their formation to be better leaders was an enlightening experience, but the reasons I found for leaving are heavier than the combined weight of the reasons I could find to stay.

For the past few weeks, I’ve finally been able to do a number of things: go on a four-day trip with friends to Coron, rekindle more friendships, catch up on Orange is the New Black, hike up Pico de Loro with the HJ team, physically attend team meetings, start reading The Signal and The Noise, submit an abstract to a tobacco control conference in Beijing, attend a jazz night at Mow’s, and take up swimming again. I’m sleeping longer, eating more, and am generally less stressed.

School doesn’t resume until another month, and I’m still considering whether I should work full-time at HJ after working for them part-time for two years, and on what terms. I want to be a full-time student, part-time NGO worker for at least one semester before diving in. Upon receiving my grades for last sem, both Eli and Mama told me, “If that’s the grade you got while working two jobs and studying, you’re more than able to do part-time work and just study.” I think they’re right.

Between apologies. I’ve fought with two important people in my life in the span of three weeks. Resolved one disagreement, unsure about the other. Steffi and I talk only when necessary. I’ve given her her baon for July, and she seemed genuinely thankful. I don’t know how long it’ll be until we’re comfortable talking to each other freely again. I can’t even bring myself to look her in the eye because I’m afraid of what I might see. It’ll be healthier if I stop expecting for an apology.

Eli has forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself yet. The feeling of nearly losing him again served as a reminder, almost as a motivation, to keep me from inadvertently finding another way to hurt him. I told him about this, and he said, “That’s a heavy weight to carry.” He held my hand, and added,

Do good for the good, not to prevent something bad from happening again. It’s more universal.

Pain is not paid back in pain, but in acceptance. I forget to be kind to myself, even when I’m granted the kindness of others. It’s time to remember the more important things.

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